When in doubt, pull it out.
If you have to choose between drinking and driving, drink. Read further for how to get home.
A used condom is better than no condom.
If she looks like a skank, and acts like a skank, she's probably carrying more diseases than known.... Which is why there is double wrapping.
If you start noticing that ugly girl in the corner seems like she's nice and kinda pretty, you've probably had a few too many.
Two dogs doing it is considered porn, but it's still frowned upon if watched.
If at the end of the night you don't have a chick, then get the ugly one from the corner that you passed up earlier and have her take your drunk ass home. Then rail her and leave the regrets till the next day.